TRUE STORIES // I have brown skin, brown eyes and brown hair.

TRUE STORIES is a guest post series sharing honestly about adoption and foster care. My hope is to create a culture of support for the adoption/foster community.  If you would like to share your story, click here. Today’s post is written by Ranee Gorgans. 

"I have brown skin, brown eyes, brown hair and tall.  My parents have blonde hair, blue eyes, white skin, and short.  But yet these are my parents and this is my story, my adoption story.

On a Sunday night in December a phone rang, what was on the other end of that phone was a scared 19-year-old girl.  Teresa had a 3 year old son, an abusive relationship and a daughter on the way.  She knew she had 2 options, the first an abortion, and the second to give her little girl away to a life she knew she could provide.  She decided that she would talk to her community college teacher, and if she didn’t have the answer she would make an appointment at Planned Parenthood. 

Her teacher listened to her story and knew what she had to do, she had to find a home for that baby.   After talking and praying to some people she heard of a couple, didn’t know them personally and only had a phone number.  She gave the phone number to Teresa, and when someone answered she blurted out, “Do you want my baby?” 

Sam and Bonnie couldn’t have kids and believed that that was their fate, to devote themselves to teaching and pastoring other peoples children and that’s how they would leave their legacy in this world.  But when that phone rang, Bonnie felt the tug on her heart that this was her moment to become a mom.  And after a couple days of prayer, counseling sessions and talking to their families they said yes. 

On their 8^th wedding anniversary, Bonnie came home from shopping for Sam to another phone call that said it was time.  Waiting in the hospital hallways they paced until finally the doctor came out and took them to a room where I was waiting.  I never saw my birthmother and to my knowledge she never saw me.

Growing up I was read those books “You are adopted and loved” and it was never a secret that I didn’t come from “mommy’s tummy.”  Of course I didn’t fully understand it, I knew that I was different from them but I never got it until 1 morning before kindergarten when I was shown a picture of a woman that looked exactly like me.  I didn’t understand why she wasn’t there, I didn’t understand why she was never coming to get me, all I had was 2 pictures and a letter that I was read.

As time went on I struggled a lot with my situation, I was never fully told the real story, all I knew was that my parents said yes to a phone call and that was it.  When I turned 21 I decided it was time to find the answers out for myself.  I called the lawyer that handled my case and he sent me everything he had.  I sat in a room with my mentors and we read and cried.  I learned that Teresa was being abused, was addicted to drugs and knew that she couldn’t support herself let alone a new baby.  I learned that she loved me with every fiber of her being  and she wasn’t given me away, she was giving me a life that she never had.  It was at that moment my perspective changed, I no longer was stuck with these people that I thought were obligated to take me.  I was loved by not only 1 family but another one out there somewhere. 

Everyone has a family, everyone has a story and this was mine.  It took a long hard road to accept mine but now I proudly can say these are my parents, this is my family and only God could have written this story."

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Thank you, Ranee for sharing your perspective. Too often we only hear from the voice of the one doing the adopting and it is very important to hear from those who have been adopted. I appreciate your honesty in telling your story.

Much can be gained from hearing, valuing and seeking to understand what it feels like to not know who or where a birth family is and how isolating it can be to look different from an adopted family. Adopted families need to hear these realities and work to be better at giving their adopted kids a safe place to talk about these concerns.

Would you like to contribute your own adoption/foster story? 

It can be humorous, heart warming or an honest struggle. 

Submit your story here.

TRUE STORIES // Bonding in adoption

TRUE STORIES is a guest post series sharing honestly about adoption and foster care. My hope is to create a culture of support for the adoption/foster community.  If you would like to share your story, click here. Today’s post is written by Gillian Marchenko. 

"She chose the wall.

This first night I spent with my freshly adopted daughter from Ukraine three years ago reminded me of watching wildlife.

We were staying at my mother-in-law’s apartment in Kiev, Ukraine and three weeks prior to that night our visits were limited to two-hour intervals at her baby orphanage located outside the city.

That night, upon entering the bedroom, my daughter dove for the large pull out couch pushed up against the wall. Once in bed she observed my station next to her and sized up a blanket rolled up along the part of the edge my body didn’t cover. She realized this was not the plain, low wooden crib she had grown accustom to over the two-and-a-half years of her life in the orphanage, nor were there any other children from her group near her settling in for the night. Knowing my three bio kids back home and the types of tantrums they throw, my immediate expectation was for my little one to scream and howl with fear and eventually make her way over to me, the only other person in her proximity, for comfort.

That didn’t happen. She did not make a sound.

And I decided that first evening to sit near her quietly, a decision for better or worse, to watch the little girl I did not actually know but already loved, and see how she put herself to sleep.

After panning her head from left to right and back again a few times, she planted her pudgy little arms onto her legs while sitting. She started to rock back and forth, all the while grinding her teeth incessantly, and hard. She closed her eyes here and there and chewed her tongue.

Upon making contact [ with the wall ] she leaned back and proceeded to smash her forehead up against the wall.

This was the only time I broke my role as observer that night.  I placed my hands on her shoulders and whispered in Russian, “nelza, tak ne nada.”  “No, no, you don’t need to do that”.  

Evangeline shrugged me off and I moved her away from the wall. I pulled the blanket from my feet and wedged it between her and the cold, hard surface. She did not contest. Maybe she wasn’t aware she could? After her silent concession she made do with rubbing her head against part of the wall and part of the blanket.

It hurt my heart to watch her. I sat back on the bed and wondered if there would be a day she would let me, no, want me to rock her to sleep."

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Thank you, Gillian for sharing honestly about the hard place your daughter started. To read the remainder of the story and how this tragic first night has turned into something beautiful, click here. 

Every parent who adopts starts the long process of bonding. For mothers who carry a child, that process begins in the womb and is a seamless bonding as the growing child gets to know the sound, smell and taste of the mother before it enters the world. 

Bonding in adoption can be a much more difficult experience on both sides. A child that comes from hard places doesn't trust the world to be safe and making a connection with a fearful child comes at a cost. It can can take years to truly form that connection.

There is hope and bonding can occur. Gillian's daughter is a wonderful example of what a dedicated and nurturing home environment can do. Families are formed and relationship are made through the day in and day out dedication to parenting. 

Or would you like to contribute your own adoption/foster story? 

It can be humorous, heart warming or an honest struggle. 

Submit your story here.

TRUE STORIES // Being a foster parent

TRUE STORIES is a guest post series sharing honestly about adoption and foster care. My hope is to create a culture of support for the adoption/foster community.  If you would like to share your story, click here. Today’s post is written by Lydia Brownfield.

There is a little baby boy sleeping soundly on my chest as I write this. He doesn't weigh much. Only a smidge over 9 lbs. However, one would think - judging from the heaviness of my heart - that he weighed a couple tons.

I have only known Mr "I" for 7 days. I firmly believe in love at first sight. It's happened to me a couple times in my life and last Wednesday morning was no exception. The adoption of our daughters had been finalized only a week and a day when we got "the call." Fellow foster parents know what call I'm referring to.

 "...baby boy...almost 2 months old...dropped off at our office...adorable...needs a bath...length of placement is guessed to be short-term...adorable...baby boy..."

We hadn't really planned on being ready that fast, but there is nothing quite like a call like this. In my years of reading as a teenager and young adult, I always loved the stories of foundling babies. Babies who appeared on your doorstep or young ones left on church steps. There is something inside the heart of a mother that aches and longs for the idea of a little one that needy. Someone unable to care for themselves who needs you to love them. Love them, snuggle them, care for them. A little one who has experienced the opposite of this kind of care creates a cry for love that you simply cannot resist. 

These calls from DCS are the modern day equivalent to that. And you fall in love. Hopelessly, fully, completely in love. Maybe because you know its right. Maybe because you can't help it. Maybe because you know that every child - no matter how long they will be in your care - deserves to be loved with the unconditional, secure, unending love of parents. Of a daddy. A mommy.

There is the weight of moments lost to you that you will never know, the weight of responsibility to cherish the moment you are in now - not knowing how many you will have, and there is the weight of handing the child back to another person - probably forever.

There is the weight of knowing that you have given this child a place in your heart. Forever. And the weight of knowing that you will not always be there. You won't always get to heal the hurts, or calm the fears. They will probably have to experience those again and your arms will not be there to hold them.

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Thank you, Lydia for sharing very openly about the pain and weight that comes from being a foster parent. To read the rest of the story about Mr. "I" click here. 

There is a great need for dedicated and trustworthy foster parents. Many times children need a safe place while their parents work out the bumps they may have created in their own lives. Kids deserve to have kindness and care at all times and what better way to serve the community that to give that to a child whose parent is unable to work out their person problems and parent effectively?

Foster parenting is a unique opportunity because it is temporary, always different, and so deeply all-consuming. Taking full time supervision of another child or children is a large undertaking, but a very necessary one.

If you are able, would you consider helping to meet a need in your community by contacting your local Department of Child and Family services and attend an informational meeting about what a foster parent is and what the requirements are? In never hurts to learn more, and who knows? You might just become a foster parent yourself.

Or would you like to contribute your own adoption/foster story? 

It can be humorous, heart warming or an honest struggle. 

Submit your story here.

TRUE STORIES // It's Not "Us vs. Them"

TRUE STORIES is a guest post series sharing honestly about adoption and foster care. My hope is to create a culture of support for the adoption/foster community.  If you would like to share your story, click here. Today’s post is written by Danny Remchuk.

I would be lying if I didn't say that adoption was every emotion rolled into one. It is funny, heartbreaking, sad, depressing, and exhilarating all at once. I thought about this post...should I talk about the time we were at the grocery store and someone said we must be on welfare because we have a black child? Should I talk about the family member who said, upon learning we were adopting from an African nation, "Why'd you have to go and pick a black one"? Do I talk about the funny mistakes we made as first time parents? I've decided to talk about something that is not often mentioned but should be.

I should start this with the fact that I am adopted (right from the hospital) and my wife is adopted as well (from medical foster care). I am also employed as an Adoption Specialist working with families through the system who are adopting and walking them through the process.

I'd like to stop the "us versus them" mentality that often runs through adoptive families. Our existence is not to try to make ourselves the same as biological families, no matter what the "adoption experts" try to tell us. We have adopted...that is different than having children biologically...therefore WE ARE DIFFERENT.

Yes...people are going to make us "prove" we are the parents of our children...ESPECIALLY if they are of a different race or look totally different. It happened with my parents (which is why my Mom dyed her hair red...she got sick of it), it happened with my in-laws, and it has happened with us. We have had to produce our court orders in MANY places: passport offices, social security, schools, doctors offices, surgical centers, hospitals. This does not bother me and maybe it's because we went through the same thing. Seriously...when our court order came through I thought about having it printed on a shirt and wearing it OR getting thousands of copies and having a tickertape parade with it!

We will be treated differently. Why? Because WE. ARE. DIFFERENT. If adoption (international or domestic) were normal...EVERYONE would do it. It is ok to be different? Don't we teach this to our children? Don't we celebrate differences? Why not celebrate this?

I once saw a Facebook post about how adoptive families should be equal to biological families and we should militantly protest until it becomes so, and I thought it sounded absurd to me. I don't want to be the SAME. I don't want to be NORMAL. I was CHOSEN by my parents; my wife was CHOSEN by her parents; our son was CHOSEN by us. He needs to know that; we needed to know it; and we should CELEBRATE it! Shout it from the rooftops! My faith requires a step higher...GOD ORDAINED ALL OF THIS...my placement, my wife's placement, and our son's placement with us. If that's not a reason to celebrate it...I don't know what is.

So yes, we will have to show court orders; we will have to prove our children are our children; but I say BRING. IT. ON. Ask me for my court orders? I dare you! Ask me for his passport? WITH PRIDE! People will wonder if he's really ours, but we know the truth. We celebrate the truth. We celebrate being DIFFERENT.

I say the same thing to my families now. Explore the differences, celebrate them, make your children feel special. Our parents were GREAT at this...I just pray we will be as well.
Now, pardon me while I fill out an order form for MORE certified copies of our son's court order! YAHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Would you like to contribute your own adoption/foster story? 

It can be humorous, heart warming or an honest struggle. 

Submit your story here.

TRUE STORIES // Judgment in Adoption

TRUE STORIES is a guest post series sharing honestly about adoption and foster care. My hope is to create a culture of support for the adoption/foster community.  If you would like to share your story, click here. Today’s post is written by Mindy Brouse.

"Sigh.  

I thought there would be more of an understanding community within the adoption circle, but judgment against one another’s decisions are there just as much as other groups.  And judgment against those who adopt and they way they choose to do it.  I shouldn’t be surprised, really.  Sin nature is sin nature.

Here are a few of the most common things adoptive parents hear:

“Why aren’t you adopting from the foster system?  There are plenty of kids there.”

“Why would you adopt a baby, when you could adopt an older child that is waiting?”

“Why are you going to another country to adopt when there are babies and children here?”

“How can you justify spending that amount of money for a child?”

“Why won’t you go adopt a special needs child that needs to find a home soon?”

Each of these questions are seriously loaded.  And each of them are not easily answered.  

Instead of bashing one another’s decision for adoption route, we should rejoice that children find forever families.  

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Thanks Mindy for sharing some of the hurdles you have encountered as you are on the adoption journey. To read the rest of Mindy's post, click here.

We faced a lot of the same questions and scrutiny from our community when we announced our adoption. Many people were excited for us, but many asked questions that came with condemnation. It was hard to navigate since we were thrilled to be expanding our family in this way.

One of the silver-lining parts of adoption is seeing the people in your life that truly care about you for who you are. Adoption, especially international adoption, can be a sort of "line in the sand" for those who know you. Either they are for you adopting and will show up to every funraiser or they will ignore the newest addition coming. 

Regardless of other's response, you know what your family is committed to doing, so surround yourself with those who support you and are excited about what lies ahead. Adoption is difficult enough with many voices casting doubt. 

Or would you like to contribute your own adoption/foster story? 

It can be humorous, heart warming or an honest struggle. 

Submit your story here.