TRUE STORIES // Bonding in adoption

TRUE STORIES is a guest post series sharing honestly about adoption and foster care. My hope is to create a culture of support for the adoption/foster community.  If you would like to share your story, click here. Today’s post is written by Gillian Marchenko. 

"She chose the wall.

This first night I spent with my freshly adopted daughter from Ukraine three years ago reminded me of watching wildlife.

We were staying at my mother-in-law’s apartment in Kiev, Ukraine and three weeks prior to that night our visits were limited to two-hour intervals at her baby orphanage located outside the city.

That night, upon entering the bedroom, my daughter dove for the large pull out couch pushed up against the wall. Once in bed she observed my station next to her and sized up a blanket rolled up along the part of the edge my body didn’t cover. She realized this was not the plain, low wooden crib she had grown accustom to over the two-and-a-half years of her life in the orphanage, nor were there any other children from her group near her settling in for the night. Knowing my three bio kids back home and the types of tantrums they throw, my immediate expectation was for my little one to scream and howl with fear and eventually make her way over to me, the only other person in her proximity, for comfort.

That didn’t happen. She did not make a sound.

And I decided that first evening to sit near her quietly, a decision for better or worse, to watch the little girl I did not actually know but already loved, and see how she put herself to sleep.

After panning her head from left to right and back again a few times, she planted her pudgy little arms onto her legs while sitting. She started to rock back and forth, all the while grinding her teeth incessantly, and hard. She closed her eyes here and there and chewed her tongue.

Upon making contact [ with the wall ] she leaned back and proceeded to smash her forehead up against the wall.

This was the only time I broke my role as observer that night.  I placed my hands on her shoulders and whispered in Russian, “nelza, tak ne nada.”  “No, no, you don’t need to do that”.  

Evangeline shrugged me off and I moved her away from the wall. I pulled the blanket from my feet and wedged it between her and the cold, hard surface. She did not contest. Maybe she wasn’t aware she could? After her silent concession she made do with rubbing her head against part of the wall and part of the blanket.

It hurt my heart to watch her. I sat back on the bed and wondered if there would be a day she would let me, no, want me to rock her to sleep."

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Thank you, Gillian for sharing honestly about the hard place your daughter started. To read the remainder of the story and how this tragic first night has turned into something beautiful, click here. 

Every parent who adopts starts the long process of bonding. For mothers who carry a child, that process begins in the womb and is a seamless bonding as the growing child gets to know the sound, smell and taste of the mother before it enters the world. 

Bonding in adoption can be a much more difficult experience on both sides. A child that comes from hard places doesn't trust the world to be safe and making a connection with a fearful child comes at a cost. It can can take years to truly form that connection.

There is hope and bonding can occur. Gillian's daughter is a wonderful example of what a dedicated and nurturing home environment can do. Families are formed and relationship are made through the day in and day out dedication to parenting. 

Or would you like to contribute your own adoption/foster story? 

It can be humorous, heart warming or an honest struggle. 

Submit your story here.