NOT JUST A MOM // Why you need something outside of parenthood

NOT JUST A MOM is a series about finding the woman behind the mom. Often our identity as mothers is wrapped up in that title, but it is important for us to realize that first we are a person, then a spouse and then a parent. Finding what you enjoy outside of motherhood can recharge you to be the best wife, mother and housekeeper you can be. Read more in the series here. 

A fellow actress once said to me, "You are the only mom I actually like. Every other one I've met is all about her kids and has nothing else to talk about." That statement stuck. 

As a mom, your life kind of becomes absorbed into the abyss of "the greater good" as you navigate household responsibilities with shaping young lives. Somewhere between making oatmeal and bathing kids you can easily loose a sense of who you are as a person. This can go on for years at a time and when the kids leave the nest, you might look back at the past 18+ years and realize you don't know who you are outside of motherhood. Why not try to establish and cultivate you: the person, in conjunction with you: the mom?

Why should I find my non-mom identity?


1. It's good for our kids to see that our lives don't revolve around them. Even though they kind of do, it's a healthy perspective to show our kids that every part of our day is not about them. Real life is about balance and there will never be a time in their lives that someone is 100% available to them all the time. Why should their childhood set that unattainable standard? Our kids learn how to set healthy boundaries from us.


2. We need time away. Have you ever heard Benjamin Franklin's quote that fish and visitors smell after 3 days? I feel like that can happen with your family as well. Sometimes you just need to take some time away to re-coop because let's face it: we can start to annoy each other. And admitting that doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you human.


3. New pursuits stimulate brain development. As thrilling and intellectually challenging as changing diapers, folding laundry and sweeping the floor are, experiencing new things stimulated our brains in new ways and helps prevent brain deterioration. And I want to be cognizant enough to enjoy the hard work of parenting with the reward of grandkids, don't you?


4. You are a woman first, then a wife, and finally a mom. Keeping that order a priority allows you to be the best mom, wife, and housekeeper you can be. Self-care is often neglected in the motherhood community as a heroic gesture, but in actuality it is just depleted yourself of the stamina needed to parent your kids well for the long haul. Take care of yourself, so that you are able to take care of your family.


5. When your kids leave the house, you should still have an identity. Empty nesting is not something I've experienced yet, but I've watched many moms go through this, not willing to let go of the responsibility of parenting their college bond kids. Our job as parents is to raise fully-functioning individuals who are capable of contributing to the world outside of our help. If you have a hobby, job, volunteer work, etc. outside of your kids, then when it is time for their emancipation, you have another part of your life to cultivate.

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BONUS REASON: 

Your husband will love this exotic woman you've become, 

because even though he probably loves you as the mom to his kids, 

he married you for just you. 

Surprise your partner with another side of you he's never known. 

Instead of simply talking about childrearing, 

you will have something else interesting to talk about when you see each other. 

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If this is new to you, start small. Grab a friend and visit a winery, go on a bike tour or become a tourist in your own town. Take up knitting or volunteer at a local soup kitchen. Try an exercise class at your local YMCA or watch a YouTube video on how to refurbish a piece of furniture. The point is to start to carve out a little place in your life for just you. Do it. Your kids deserve a mom with a strong sense of self.

p.s. Need help finding your non-mom identity? Or do you just need a little energy boost to get through the day?