A letter to my 50-year-old self

Dear 50 Year Old Karissa,


Congratulations! You made it to being an empty nester!!! That is quite the accomplishment and 30-year-old Karissa thought you would never get there. But you did, so it is time to celebrate!

You might feel a little nostalgic and sentimental about the years that have passed and all of the memories you have made with your four kids over the years. And a part of you might be missing your sons and daughter and the fun they brought to your daily life when they were preschoolers. It is alright to have those feelings, but I am writing to tell you to KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Don't share those feelings with the woman walking through the grocery store with a baby strapped to her back, a toddler in the cart and the kindergartener opening a box of cereal onto the aisle floor. Her life is hard, very hard right now. She doesn't need a word from you telling her that she should cherish these times because you are feeling sad that Simon is now in college. She doesn't care. That mom of preschoolers needs a break! So just keep your well-intentioned thoughts to yourself and keep walking.

Here is a reminder of what it is like being a mother of four very small children:

Your days are long. The weekends are short. And you have no time to yourself. None. Not even when everyone is sleeping because that is the only time to get done the laundry/dishes/cleaning/sanity-time for the next day. You say the same things over and over and over again to all of your kids and you are constantly wiping nose/hands/bottoms. A bathroom break for you becomes an anatomy lesson on what makes you a girl and a talk on modesty. Every 15 minutes you are a referee for a fight you didn't see because you were trying to prepare food/crafts/lesson for your crew. There are never enough diapers/ wipes/pretzels/puzzles/books/turns to satisfy your kids and you are constantly navigating between being a life coach and protector.

There are good times. Truly there are. But the physically grueling nature of having preschoolers does not allow you a moment to remember if you showered today let alone think about how short this time will be. Reflection usually comes after something is over, not right in the middle of it.

Many kind, well-meaning 50-year-old women have told me to cherish these times, that they go by so fast, and that I'll miss them. I'm sure that is the case, but for now, it is HURTFUL TO HEAR. It is hurtful, because time has allowed these women to forget what daily life is actually like for me. They just recall the snapshots, the photo album fun and highlight reel of these years. But as I face the day-in, day-out marathon I run and the patience, grace and AMAZING huband that God has given me for this time, I do not need any sentimental statements telling me something I already know.

Fifty-year-old Karissa, HELP THEM. Don't tell them things, DO things for those mothers.

You have more free time that you know what to do with since all of your kids are out of the house. Use some of it to soothe a baby, take a toddler to story time or go for a nature walk with a kindergartener. Listen to the 30 year old mother who needs adult conversation. Don't lecture. Say, "I know," to her when she complains. Give her tips and ideas that you found invaluable WHEN SHE ASKS. Make her dinner and drop it off on a regular basis. Check out books for her kids from the library and drop them off unexpectedly. Bring her coffee during nap time and chat for 30 minutes. She won't ask for help, so go out of your way to do it.

She needs you to tell her she is doing a great job. That is what she needs: someone who has made it to the other side and can be her cheerleader. Be that, not the sentimental one who doles out cherishing advice.

NOW is your time to love on those young moms.


Sincerely,
30 Year Old Karissa