We could be considered your average college-educated Christian parents. Our children live a fairly structured life, they have enough but not too much and we are daily teaching Biblical principals. We don't give in to their tantrums and we expect manners and politeness. All of our parenting came from a pure place of wanting to raise well-rounded, self-confident, productive members of society. You've heard it all before. Asher and Alethea were often being praised in public for how polite and well-spoken they were and we would pat ourselves on the back and think about all we had done right. But then we brought two more kids into the family and everything got crazy!
My first day alone with the kids was a whirlwind of activity: wiping noses, changing diapers, breaking up fights, washing dishes, cleaning up toys and on and on it went. When I sat down at the end of the day, I realized that I had hardly given any one on one time to either Andrew or Simon all day. I was dumbfounded! How could the day have gone on and the two newest members of my family were ignored? As I played the day over in my mind, I realized that I had paid quite a lot of attention to two other family members, and not because I was making up for a month of lost time. These two little preschoolers were given a lot of my energy all day because they demanded it. And I gave in.
I. GAVE. IN.
This reality hit me right in the gut. Where did I go wrong? Wasn't I teaching them that it is better to serve then to be served? To give rather then receive? That Jesus gave His life for us? I was hammering these realities into my children's heads and at the same time I was running around serving them, as if they were my whole life. They got use to this kind of treatment and I don't blame them! I never would have used the phrase, "I gave in," before, but it was so fitting in that moment. I would often justify why I gave in before we left for Uganda: we were adopting and they needed extra attention, the rule he was breaking really didn't matter in the first place, it would take more energy to stop her from doing that thing then I really want to give, etc. Now that we are back and have two more little people to take care of, there is no more giving in.
As I was reading my go-to parenting guru, John Rosemond, the hard reality in that I am a wife FIRST and a mother second. Craig is a husband FIRST and then a dad. Our marriage should come first in our day to day lives IN FRONT of our children, and it doesn't. Sure we have date nights and after the kids are in bed we focus on us and our marriage, but our children aren't seeing that. All they are seeing is that when all of us are together as a family, they are the center. We've taught our kids the wrong thing and that is what has got to change.
We've already started and I am seeing wonderful changes in the two short days the parenting u-turn took place. This subject has now become my zealous platform of reform in my own family and I am anxiously looking for new resources to expand on this already forming idea that flies in the face of the last 70 years of parent coaching: "The more attention you give your children, the better parent you are."
What is your go-to parenting resource? Parents of big families, what works for you to manage everyone? How do you prioritize your marriage WITH the kids around? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
4 comments:
I want to know, too! So I am subscribing to get better advice than I could ever give!
I've read John Rosemond's book and loved it! Even with only one child (so far), it's hard not to even *want* to focus all our attention on the cute little ball of energy or the toddler's destructive cry for attention. Sometimes we take it slow: let's play a game while he's awake instead of after he's in bed or let's talk about our day, and he can play quietly nearby (a lesson he learned surprisingly quickly). It's hard to be consistent, and I'm eager to see what you discover in this new journey!
Thank you for this post. It seriously reminded me that I do the same thing and I've only got two! I seriously need to teach my littles that Mom and Daddy come first. It is so hard with a 16 mo old, because I know the three year old just wants attention too. I look forward to hear ways you've helped to move forward in a positive direction to reestablish the family hierarchy.
Even when you aren't around, you can talk about Daddy just as you talk about God. Letting the kids know you're serving him by what you do- making food he likes, making special trips to school- they see it AND hear it. So you're putting him as the head of the family even when he's not around. Also... (without trying to step on toes), what you described is exactly the downfall of AP. It sounds great in theory and feels good as a parent, but as they get older, they expect you to be there constantly. Fortunately, it should be quick to correct- esp. with 4 of them to play with each other. Since Lydia has gone to preschool 3 mornings a week and Bethany is 20 mo. now, Holly and Bethany have really become good friends and play together well. Give it time- it'll happen.
Tips:
choose toys that don't require directions (such as games, toys that have to be put together a certain way). That gives them the ability to creatively play without adult help.
as they get older, make them resolve problems. I don't allow tattling (always a work in progress), and have found that when they are forced to go back to fix it themselves, it's usually not worth the trouble, and they let it drop. My 4 and 6 yr olds are getting pretty good at this. The almost-3 is starting, but still usually comes to me first when "wronged."
I have found great advice and tips at www.duggarfamily.com/moms. I heard Jim Bob and Michelle at a conference last month, and am quite impressed with their ideas.
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